


#Stars and Spikes

by RogueFanKC



Series: The Consulting Crapsack and the Hydra Bicycle [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anderson Is A Nice Guy, Crossover, Humor, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Jealous Sherlock, M/M, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Episode: s03e03 His Last Vow, Sherlock and Bucky are Idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 12:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8578657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueFanKC/pseuds/RogueFanKC
Summary: Steven Rogers and John Watson are on their seventh lunch date (as friends).
Bucky Barnes and Sherlock Holmes are spying on them (as emotionally-constipated idiots).  They are also quite close to killing each other...
Philip Anderson offers some actual good advice (while being a fanboy).





	

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the lovely [Penumbra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/penumbra/pseuds/penumbra) / [Kelley](http://anotherwellkeptsecret.tumblr.com/).

                “What are you doing?”

                Bucky didn’t answer as he glared over his menu.

                “Keep your head down, you imbecile!”

                Bucky wordlessly scowled at the scene of Steven Rogers and John Watson talking animatedly over their fish and chips, too deep in telling each other war stories and fond memories to even notice the three snoops scrutinizing them.

                “ _Will you sit down?!_ ” Sherlock snapped as fiercely as he could in a whisper.  Granted, his voice wouldn’t be this nasally, but due to wearing the damned cast that was taped over his recently-set nose…

                “What is Watson doing to **my** Steve?!” Bucky growled with bloodshot eyes as John accidentally brushed his fingers close to Steven’s arm in an effort to reach for the shared appetizer plate of halloumi.

                Bucky swore his left eyelid throbbed ever so slightly.

                “Enjoying lunch as they have doing so for the past seven times they have met?” Phillip Anderson sighed lugubriously as he busily typed in his Twitter account with a picture he took minutes earlier of Steven Rogers and John Watson enjoying their meal outside The Fish Club café:

                @emptyhrse  
                “#Steven x John”?  
                **Yes! – 5%**  
                **No! – 95%**  
                _511 Votes_

                Well, as peaceful as it **could** be with Sherlock Holmes and Bucky Barnes trying their best to eavesdrop on their “wayward” boyfriends in another table across the street and a bit of a distance away.

                It made Phillip wonder if Steven and John actually **_did_** notice their two partners sniping and arguing unobtrusively in the background and were just decidedly playing dumb.

                If so, it was a smart move upon retrospect.

                “Amazing.  Just when I thought that you were a somewhat _passable_ spy, I then witness your ineptitude of keeping a low profile.  Apparently, Hydra had quite low standards,” Sherlock snapped from behind his cardboard menu, his voice still hushed and only audible enough for the other two idiots sharing the outdoor table.

                “Yes, because _my_ skills of spying on **_your_** _gimp_ and Steve would involve the obvious display of listening in on them from the restaurant across the street, which, if I may remind you, was **_your_** idea.  I might as well be wearing Groucho Marx Glasses with binoculars up on the rooftops and a big, flashing siren.  Can’t get more noticeable and obvious than that.”

                “That ‘gimp’, as you so call him, has more brains, loyalty, and self-worth than your idiotic Captain Rogers has in his entire, steroid-induced body,” rumbled Sherlock, eyes narrowing.

                “I dunno.  The fact Watson loves **_you_** shows he’s got a few brain cells missing,” Bucky shot back, leering.

                “And the fact that **_your_** stodgy ‘Boy Scout’ turns to the _Hydra Bicycle_ for physical comfort shows he is most likely thinking with the wrong head.”

                “How would you like me to break your nose?  _Again?_ ” Bucky growled.

                “And how would you like another taser round?  **_Again?_** ” answered back Sherlock, eyes gleaming like a hungry wolf.

                “You can’t use your taser on Bucky because Mycroft made you return it back to Darcy Lewis.  Do you recall?  Because you pinched it from her purse?” Anderson chimed in.

                “Shut up, Anderson,” grumbled Sherlock.

                “Why **_did_** you bring him, _genius?_ ” drawled Bucky, emphasis with sarcastic disdain on that last word, as he jerked his thumb condescendingly at the forensics expert sitting next to him.

                Sherlock’s face soured as he then admitted with great loathing.

                “Mycroft made me.”

                “That only answers the question how much authority your Ice-Man has over his junkie of a brother.  It **doesn’t** the question of why this pathetic excuse of a British nose-bleed is tagging along?”

                “Because Fury demanded I keep an eye on both of you ever since he and Mycroft caught Sherlock trying to hack into the CCTV and S.H.I.E.L.D’s surveillance databases to spy on John and Steven’s third lunch date?” Anderson remarked as he idly typed in on his phone.

                @emptyhrse  
                “#Rogerston”?  
                **Yes! – 13%**  
                **No! – 87%**  
                _4,208 Votes_

                “Shut up, Anderson…” grumbled Bucky with a venomous frown.

                “The one-eyed jackass most likely asked you to come so that if either of us kill you, it would hardly be a significant loss,” grumbled Sherlock at Phillip, clearly not enjoying being reminded of getting caught.

                And in his defense, he had no idea Nick Fury could yell **that** loudly for over two hours – the man had _incredible_ lung capacity.

                Anderson just unflappably took a sip of his tea.

                “I **told** you hacking into their surveillance was going to be an immediate red-flag, didn’t I, you Belstaff-Biting Bastard?  But _nooooo_ – **_you_** had to be all overly confident and self-assured and arrogant in thinking you could outsmart Nick Fury, and your brother, and the best and brightest top spy agency in the world.  Now thanks to you, **I’m** stuck on probation,” Bucky griped at the raven-haired detective.

                “Oh, please.  You certainly weren’t complaining when I suggested the option.  And if anything, **_I’m_** stuck with **_the both of you_**.  **_I_** got the short end of the stick!” Sherlock bellyached.

                “Actually, I would like to point out that **both** you and Bucky being on _dual probation_ under **_both_** S.H.I.E.L.D. and MI-5 isn’t because of the hacking attempt, but due to your public brawl in front of the tavern when John and Steven were having their last get-together which resulted in a bit of property damage.”

                “Shut up, Anderson,” grumbled Sherlock.

                “You should have gotten your lackey Lestrade to help us.  Scotland Yard’s equipment isn’t that far obsolete for us to use in this situation and would have caused less of an issue,” groused Bucky.

                “Actually, Lestrade is still in the hot seat after the both of you had broken the Chief Superintendent’s jaw during said aforementioned brawl,” Anderson chimed in.

                “That was entirely the _Winter Solder’s_ fault,” Sherlock spat bitterly.

                “ _Excuse me?_   It was **your** fault, you consulting crapsack,” Bucky criticized, clearly in full disagreement.

                “No, it was **_your_** fault, you one-armed arsehole!”

                “It was **_yours_** , you chicken-livered skel!”

                “ ** _You’re_** the one who threw the punch!”

                “ ** _You’re_** the one who dodged!”

                “And ** _both_** of you are banned from all cases in Scotland Yard for the next year, according to the Super,” Anderson quipped, typing away on his phone.

                “He didn’t say that!” objected Sherlock.

                “Well, no, the Chief didn’t **say** it.  But thankfully, even though his jaw was wired shut, he was very specific in his mass e-mail message to all of Scotland Yard’s officers.  Using size-40 Bold Comic-Sans font in red for additional insult.”

                “Didn’t we tell you to shut up?” Bucky complained.

                “Don’t you dare tell Anderson to shut up!” snapped Sherlock, and before Anderson could puff with touched pride, Sherlock then had to ruin the moment with, “He is **_our_** idiotic fanboy, so **_we_** get to tell him to shut up!  So Anderson, do shut up!”

                Anderson wordlessly shrugged, nonchalant, as he typed the next suggestion on Twitter:

                @emptyhrse  
                “#Captain-Squared”?  
                **Yes! – 64%**  
                **No! – 36%**  
                _65,433 Votes_

                It was a miracle Steven and John **still** haven’t noticed Bucky and Sherlock from across the street (considering that they were already getting a few looks from nearby civilians and restaurant staff).

                Bucky understandably was having a _slight_ panic attack…

                “Oh God, Watson’s touching Steve!  That quack’s fondling him!  **My Steve!**   I’m gonna break every bone in his hands, one by one!” Bucky squawked, destroying the menu in his hands into a mass of crinkled laminate as he clenched both of his hands into fists, spittle shining on his clenched teeth.

                Anderson blinked as he glanced at the two laughing men before he pointed out, “…um, John’s just patting his shoulder.  It’s completely innocent.”

                “Unlike that walking example of blind, patriotic obliviousness…” hissed Sherlock, already plotting thirteen different ways to prank Steven for _daring_ to seduce his partner, “That polite, well-mannered, country-boy from New York is a complete ploy, a false act, a complete fabrication for him to allure John and get him to lower his defenses so he can strike like any other harlot.  _Look at him!_   Charming his way like an affectionate, whining mongrel, begging for scraps!  He’d shamelessly perform fellatio on poor John right here and now if he keeps up his deliberate cajolery!  He’s as amoral and brazen as Moriarty, trying to worm into John’s charitable heart like some sort of plaything!”

                “Actually, from what it looks like, Steven’s just offering the last of the halloumi to John,” Anderson stated, peering at the scene.

                “What part of ‘shut up’ did you not get?!” Bucky growled murderously, “The ‘up’ or the ‘shut’?”

                “You must mean the phrase, ‘the shut or the up’…” drawled Sherlock patronizingly with mocking condescension, “But I presume that little bit of euphemism is far too asynchronous with your outdated slang and obsolete arm from eras bygone.  But then again, the _Winter Soldier_ was only advantageous as a weapon, not as a dictionary of cultural literacy - bollocks, **_any_** literacy whatsoever now that I think about it.  Would you like Mrs. Hudson to put on ‘Sesame Street’ in order to remind you of the alphabet?”

                “How are you still alive?” hissed Bucky murderously, “Seriously, why hasn’t Watson killed you at this point?  Hell, why hasn’t **_anyone_** killed you at this point?!”

                “A combination of Mycroft’s influence, dumb luck, and the probability that Death would steer clear of him, Heaven wouldn’t let him in, and that Satan would be afraid of Sherlock taking over?” Anderson asked rhetorically.

                “…OK, I have to admit, **that** was clever,” nodded Bucky sullenly.

                “Instead of worrying about the Winter Soldier and I murdering each other, perhaps Mycroft should be more worried about us cooperating to murder **_you_** ,” rumbled Sherlock, giving Anderson the evil eye.

                “Mycroft’s barristers have their orders to force you and John do guest appearances in ‘The Empty Hearse’ club once a month in the event of my untimely death, as specified under my last will and testament,” Anderson returned.

                “You’re bluffing,” sneered Sherlock.

                “Director Coulson happens to be our newest member.  **And** my successor as the ‘Club Founder’.”

                Sherlock both paled and turned red, his cheeks flushed with helpless anger, as he grimaced with thinned lips.

                Bucky was actually smirking.

                “Sucks to be you, doesn’t it, Sher-Lick Hobag?”

                “Director Coulson **_also_** wants you and Steven Rogers to do public service announcements for the N.Y.P.D. and Scotland Yard three times a year, Mister Barnes, should he take up the mantle.”

                “ _Damn it._ ”

                @emptyhrse  
                “#Shield and Cane”?  
                **Yes! –2%**  
                **No! – 98%**  
                _257,542 Votes_

                “You should keep your Watson on a leash, you Junkie Jackass!  Isn’t it enough that crippled doctor of yours slobbers at the sight of you?” Bucky complained as he turned on the detective.

                “As much as I hate to admit it, you cannot fault Captain America for this development of common sense.  I can hardly censure Rogers for thinking of John as a vast improvement over a poxy recluse with fleas and a plethora of sexually transmitted diseases.”

                “Go jump off a roof.  **Again.** ”

                “Go fall off a bridge.  **Again.**   Oh wait, that’s assuming that Hydra would take the effort of resuscitating the _Hydra Bicycle_ a second time when there are a lot newer and superior models around.  Perhaps I should say a prayer for good ol’ Steven Rogers to be their next target for brainwashing?”

                Bucky inhaled sharply as he tightened his metal fist so hard, creaking hazardously, as Bucky thundered, “You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that whatever punishment your brother will lay on me for killing you will be a small price to pay…”

                “Better men than you have tried, pillock,” derided Sherlock maliciously.

                “Dipshit.”

                “Berk.”

                “Asshole.”

                “Cock.”

                “Schmo.”

                “Twat.”

                “May I say something?” Anderson finally broke in with a beleaguered sigh.

                “ **No** ,” spat both Sherlock and Bucky, not even breaking away from their glaring contest, just seconds away from tackling each other right in the middle of the sidewalk and stabbing at each other with their place settings.

                Anderson then spoke his next statement with a softness Sherlock had never perceived before from the former Met officer.

                “Sherlock, Mister Barnes… if faking your death and making John watch wasn’t enough to turn John away, and if being the Winter Soldier and forced to fight his best friend during Hydra’s ‘Project Insight’ was not enough to turn Steven away, what makes you both think _this_ will?”

                There was a small pause as both Bucky and Sherlock blinked, pensive.

                If the situation wasn’t so tense at the moment, Anderson would have chuckled at how much Bucky and Sherlock’s brooding expressions was so very much alike…

                “Did you ever both think that perhaps because John and Mister Rogers get along so well, they most likely would **not** have feelings for each other?  I can’t say it’s the truth, and I know you both think I’m stupid, but what I’m trying to say is that the old adage ‘opposites attract’ would apply here.  Yes, Steven and John get along so well and can relate, but I don’t think they would ever trade in the shared history and lives they have with you two over such a lackluster prospect.  They are both too honorable and decent to abandon you two like you have done to them.  And ultimately, John still chose you over Mary, and Steven still chose you over Peggy Carter.”

                Now Sherlock and Bucky both felt a bit ashamed as they realized that Anderson wasn’t necessarily wrong there…

                “Steven Rogers can’t deduce and amaze John just by looking at someone at some insignificant detail; he could never be as brilliant and as much as a genius as Sherlock.  As compassionate and gentle as Steven is, his good looks and past accomplishments are not as significant to John as the fact that Sherlock saved John from a life of boredom and gave him purpose and jumped to protect him from a sniper.  And likewise, John Watson is one of the most patient and forgiving men I have ever seen, and I apologize that it took me so long to admit that.  He has his faults, but he’s a brave and loyal soldier and doctor, but John cannot hold a candle to the times Bucky looked out for Steven when he was growing up as an orphan in Brooklyn or how Bucky was one of the primary reasons Steven joined the war so that he could ensure Bucky could return home with him, the one caregiver who saw through Steven when he was a frail asthmatic.  Steven **_isn’t_** Sherlock, and John could **_never_** replace Bucky.”

                Bucky lowered his fist, unclenching his hand.

                Sherlock was actually speechless.

                “The fact that the both of you are going barmy and being in a jealous snit over John and Steven being friends says a lot more about _you two_ than it does about _them_.  It’s not a bad thing, to have another friend,” Anderson concluded.

                There was silence as Bucky and Sherlock were no longer glaring at each other, with the two antagonists silently deliberating and deeply musing over their petty resentment.

                Anderson typed away his latest poll suggestion on Twitter before the Consulting Detective finally spoke.

                “Who would have ever thought that I would live to see the day?” Sherlock murmured.

                Anderson smiled haughtily as he drawled with a bit of smug satisfaction, “And that is?”

                “The day you actually would give **helpful** advice,” Sherlock disparaged, although he had a bit of a twinkle in his blue eyes as he said that remark.

                “You can both thank me by showing up at ‘The Empty Hearse’ Club and giving me an autographed photo of all five us of standing together with me in the center.  I’ll be the envy of every fangirl in England for being in the presence of Captain America, Bucky Barnes, Sherlock and John Watson,” Anderson suggested unashamedly.

                Bucky’s growl was less than accepting.

                “ ** _Don’t.  Push.  It._** ”

                Anderson let out a small exclamation of success as he then furiously typed in his phone with a manic glee and enthusiasm, “Ah!  We have it!”

                Bucky and Sherlock both perked up.

                “You managed to convince Fury to let us off probation?” Bucky enquired keenly.

                “You achieved convincing Mycroft to have the Winter Soldier and Steven Rogers to be deported and banned from all of England?” Sherlock demanded rudely.

                “We have our ship name, with a ninety-two percent approval rating!” squealed Anderson, “It is official: ‘ ** _Hashtag Stars and Spikes_** ’!”

                There was a shocked silence before the looks of budding rage and incredulity from Bucky and Sherlock’s eyes were **_anything_** but warm and supporting.

                “…Stars and _Spikes_?” Sherlock echoed hollowly with clenched teeth, not sure if he was believing what he was hearing.  Anderson thoughtlessly then explained.

                “It’s a play on ‘stars and stripes’, you know, the colors of the American flag and the theme of Steven Rogers’ Avengers uniform, but the ‘spikes’ bit is because John is always compared to a hedgehog on tumblr, so - ”

                Unfortunately, that was all Anderson would get a chance to say before Bucky wordlessly reached out with his right hand and deftly pinched the mass of nerves where the muscles of Anderson’s neck met his shoulder.

                Anderson’s eyes wide and he gave a small squeak of pain before he immediately passed out and slumped unconscious, his head falling forward and right into the middle of his Yorkshire pudding on the table.

                Sherlock looked at the cataleptic Anderson before glancing across the street to make sure that Steven and John didn’t spot them before raising one eyebrow at Bucky.

                Bucky just continued glaring over his menu at the jovial Steven and John, shoulders hunched and his neck lowered deeper into his jacket collar.

                “We’ll hide his body in the nearest dumpster when this is over, and he’ll wake up in an hour or two with a slight headache,” Bucky muttered.

                Sherlock still stared at Bucky in disbelief.

                “Look, he was getting annoying, OK?” Bucky retorted.

                Sherlock still gave him a look that clearly thought little of Bucky’s intelligence.

                “ ** _I didn’t kill him,_** ” snapped Bucky defensively.  Sherlock’s hissed response was just as mindboggling.

                “Why ever not?!”


End file.
